This Tiny Spark

Jul 21

The Toy Diet

by Lin

Before Maya was born, I had a pretty specific idea of what I wanted her toys to look like. I didn’t want princesses, or other licensed characters, worming their way into her little psyche. I didn’t want giant, plastic, pieces of crap. I didn’t want things with a billion parts that always got lost under the couch.

For her first birthday, I requested toys made of natural materials, board books and clothes… or, better, no gifts at all.

The problem is… well, I’m the problem. I was a child with not a lot of things. I remember very vividly most of the toys I did have, when I got them, who gave them to me. I loved each one. I used to tuck my favourites under my pillow at night so I could tell if they had been coming to life while I slept. As an adult, I can see this wasn’t a problem! But as a kid, I wanted the fancy toys my friends had, with toys of tiny pieces and computers in them that made them talk. So many board games, and not just the weird ones that we had from the thrift store (my brother and I played a lot of this gamed called Yuppies, which is hilarious to me now). Having few toys was great for me as a kid, I just didn’t know it until now.

But what happens when an adult with few toys grows up and has a kid of her own? She wants to BUY ALL THE THINGS for that child. Because what could be better than having one or two favourite toys? Having SO MANY TOYS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE AND I LOVE THEM ALL.

Except that nope… she doesn’t love all her toys. She is bored of her toys. She makes a huge mess with her toys and I step on them, and then I have to ‘help her clean up’ which basically means saying “Get your bear, put him in the toy box. Good! Get your dog, put him in the toy box, etc”. It is hard to not just clean up all the toys, and remember that teaching her a lifeskill is more important. And it’s even harder to not just make her a cornhusk doll (I actually had some of these as a kid!) and throw everything out and then move somewhere that you can’t even buy toys and kids just play outside all day and braid each other’s hair (let me know if you know of this place)

Because I’m not the only one buying Maya toys. Everyone likes to do it! She is the youngest child in my family and in Simon’s family. I get it, I really do. When I hear that we get to attend a child’s birthday party, I think “YAY! I get to buy toys!” Except now I try to remember that most families are probably also drowning in toys.

We’ve tried to keep Maya’s interest in her toys by dividing everything into thirds and rotating them every week or so. But now, a “new” box of toys keeps her attention for 10 minutes. And an actually new toy from the store keeps her attention for 10 minutes… and then it gets chucked in one of the toy bins, hopefully before I manage to step on it.

Today, while she napped, we went through all of her toys. We put together a bag for charity. Another bag went into storage, full of infant toys that are just too simple for Maya now. Everything else got sorted by type (cars, musical instruments, puzzles), and put into containers so she can choose an activity. Hopefully we can get her to do one activity at a time and replace it on the shelf before starting something else! But at least we all like the toys that remain.

So please, if you are one of those excellent people that we love, and who loves to buy Maya toys, please wait! She really doesn’t need anything more right now. I think I might put together a little wishlist for her so people can still spoil her if they want to.

I hope that fewer toys will help Maya appreciate what she has. I hope it will help her focus on one what she’s doing. I hope that she will not feel like she always needs something new or different to be happy. I hope it will help her to be creative.

But really? I just hope for another year or two of peace before she starts demanding big plastic pieces of crap with princesses on them..

Parenting Society Things

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Mar 12

Will Cinderella Eat My Daughter?

by Lin

Before Maya was born, I was really hesitant to buy her anything pink. I avoided the onesies that said “Little Princess” or “Diva in Training” or “Daddy’s Little Angel” I bought neutral browns and greens and yellows and I shopped a lot in the boys’ section. It didn’t seem fair that all the girls’ stuff had kittens and purses and shoes on it, while boys could choose from zombies, guitars and racecars.

Maya, playing with cars her Daddy handed down to her

But then it got annoying to have everyone mistaking Maya for a boy. And it was shocking how differently strangers treated “boy Maya” than they treated “girl Maya”… one man in the grocery store actually pinched her 6 month old leg and said “he’s a sturdy one, isn’t he?” and a few minutes later someone made a scary face and tried to “toughen him up”. Yikes.

And some of the girly stuff kind of grew on me. I have a weakness for poofy little skirts. And dresses with tights. I don’t wear these things myself, but they are SO cute with little toddler knees poking out. But once SOME pink and purple came through the door, it was like a tidal wave. I couldn’t really dress her in a pink shirt with orange pants… so in came more pink and purple. It was easier since almost everything she owns matches now!

I’ll admit that I worry about the princess obsession that looms on the horizon. I’m not alone in my dislike of everything princess: the commercialism (Disney!), the helplessness (“I’m waiting on my prince!”), the stereotyping (all girls like pink!). Maya’s toybox wouldn’t give away her gender: books, a baby doll, toy cars, puzzles, teddy bears. Her ears aren’t pierced (and won’t be until she’s old enough to ask for that). She is too young to realize which of her toddler friends are boys and which ones are girls, and they don’t really influence each other yet. I imagine I might get another year of blissful toddler time before Maya realizes that she’s a girl and she wants to define herself as one through every choice she makes. And I’m prepared for some of those choices to irk me, like when she wants to wear a gown all day or she stops playing with a toy that’s “just for boys”.

I understand that there ARE gender differences. I’ve seen little girls play with cars: there is a Mommy Car and a Daddy Car and a Baby Car. And I’ve seen boys play with Barbies they have imagined into swords. I’ve also seen children ostrasized by other kids for not playing like their typical gender. As parents it seems that we have to choose between going with the crowd and helping our kid fit in with her friends, or turning her into a gender neutral child who may struggle to make friends, and why? Because her parents disagree with traditional gender roles. You don’t have to go far to see what happens when parents use their children to make a statement, such as the case of “genderless” Sasha whose parents didn’t reveal his sex for 5 years.

Personally I think it boils down to more than pink onesies or racecars. Maya is going to learn gender roles from us, her parents. If she sees that either parent can give her a bath or make dinner, she will expect the same in her own marriage. If Simon shares his hobbies of mountain biking, rally cars and music, she will learn to love those things too. My husband isn’t waiting for a boy to share his interests with, and Maya will benefit from his knowledge. And when we have a second child, they will be treated the same, regardless of their sex.

Maya, in a dress, kissing a baby doll

To me it seems like boys may be getting the worse deal lately. I hate the “boys are dumb” shirts that are marketed to little girls in a pseudo-feminist style. So much of pop-culture spreads the idea that men are idiots and just need a woman to keep them from doing something really stupid. And the double standards are sickening: A mother who lets her son dress up like his favourite (female) cartoon character makes national news (I LOVED that blog post, by the way), but  little girls are told that they can do anything boys can.

A few friends have recommended I read Cinderella Ate My Daughter, and my hold just came in at the library. I’m going to read it and share some of my thoughts about it as I go along. It looks to be a really interesting and fun read, and maybe it will prepare me for the land of girldom that comes beyond genderless toddlerhood!

Do your children follow strict gender roles? How do you encourage/discourage this?

Article Review Book Review Family Gender Musings Parenting Society

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Mar 3

The Importance of Parenting Groups

by Lin

After Maya was born, it took about 6 weeks for us to realize we hadto get out of the house on a weekly basis. We needed to see other parents who were facing similar challenges with their babies. I wondered about diaper rashes, about gas, about how Maya would just cry and cry for no reason (thankfully those spells were rare, but still frightening). I wanted to talk about Maya’s birth. We wanted to meet new friends who knew why we couldn’t come over for dinner at 8pm, and who would laugh at baby poop stories.

The information package from the hospital included information for a Healthy Beginnings group that meets weekly in our town. Each session is mediated by a nurse from the health unit who is a wealth of knowledge on all things baby & toddler. Having an expert to see weekly, in a fun and casual atmosphere, is every new parent’s dream! A short chat with the nurse and the other parents made things like starting solid foods, continued breastfeeding, and sleep problems infinitely more manageable.

Simon was the only dad there (though a few other dads have made appearances since!), and there were lots of babies very close in age to Maya. In the 15 months since we’ve been attending the group, I’ve watched these children grow. No longer are they teeny bundles, snoozing away the meeting while their moms chat. Now they toddle around the room, “sharing” snacks and toys, knocking each other over, and making so much noise you have to shout to keep up a conversation!

Facebook has allowed a number of us to keep in touch outside of the group, and it’s a great way to organize impromptu outings or weekly playdates. But I really do look forward to the organized meeting each week, and it is a bright spot in my week to see familiar faces who have also been up from 2-5 am with a teething baby, and who understand.

So maybe you can imagine our outrage when we learned that the group would be shutting down. Sadly the government only looked at the numbers of the group… and while they are consistently helping a few dozen people each week, it’s not enough to be “worth it”. I was very sad to learn that prenatal groups are also being cancelled.

Parents who do not have support from their community and from other parents are not able to do their best. Parenting is HARD WORK. We know now how important the first few years of a child’s life are, and how parenting techniques are formed very early on. Communities that do not stand behind parents and young children are failing their citizens.

I’m thinking of ways to keep our group afloat, and to continue to offer it to new parents as well. I know how deeply our weekly group has affected me and improved my parenting skills. I can’t help but think there might be a family out there with a 6 week old that cried all night, and they just need somewhere to go where someone understands. Somewhere they can find babies the same age, who will grow so quickly (too quickly!) into teetering toddlers. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere they can tell their stories about baby poop.

Have you attended a parenting or prenatal group? How did it affect your parenting?

Musings Parenting Society

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Jan 8

No, Honda, Your Life Doesn’t End After Baby

by Lin

Have you seen the new Honda commercial? They are encouraging people to make a Leap List of stuff to do before they take major leaps in life. This one got under my skin:

Simon and I sighed when we watched this commercial because it perpetuates so many awful stereotypes.

Myth: Women decide when it’s time to have a baby and are driven by whim – I couldn’t help but laugh at the flippant way the woman mentioned having a baby to her partner: “I think I want a baby!” It’s like “I think I want a hot dog!” or “I think I’ll cut my hair short!” It’s not “I think I want to be responsible for a growing, thinking PERSON for the rest of my life” or “I love and respect you so much as my partner, and I think we should make a family together” or countless other phrases that actually demonstrate the gravity of reproduction and child-raising.

I always knew I wanted to have kids. But I also knew that I wanted to have an amazing husband, be financially stable, and finish university first. Okay, so the financially stable thing kind of fluctuates, but I was able to check off the other two items and that’s when we made Maya. I didn’t just “think I want[ed] a baby”, I knew I did. And I also knew that my husband did because we talked about it. A lot.

Myth: Babies are easy to make – Sadly, this is not the case for many couples. Thankfully we didn’t struggle with any of these issues, but I know plenty of people who do. Fertility decreases with age, and you have to also consider the increased risk of birth defects as you get older. While it may seem like a great idea to put off having kids until you’ve completed some Leap List, it might take longer than a couple days to get pregnant… I’ve known couples who have tried to conceive for years. And at that point, the only thing ON your list is: make a family.

Myth: Having a Baby Ruins Your Life (especially if you are a man) -  This is the main message of the commercial, and also the most ridiculous. The guy thought about all the hiking and caving and robot-building he wanted to do… before having kids. Now if you have things in your life you want to do in a certain order, or even if you want to do them before having kids, that’s fine by me! I know lots of people who have lists like mine above, or who want to backpack through Europe first, or buy a house, or whatever. The thing is, your life doesn’t end after baby. So if there is something you wanted to do, but you had a kid first… you can probably still do that thing.

Kids are fantastically portable, especially when little. I wouldn’t recommend going spelunking with a newborn in a carrier, but you’d be surprised how seamlessly you can fit a child into your life. Simon still goes mountain biking some weekends while Maya stays with me. I knit in the evening while she sleeps, and I go to movies when I feel like it. Simon DJs from home, with Maya on his lap, and records his creations. I blog, stopping to read her a book now and then. We would all pack up and vacation in Thailand tomorrow if our budget would allow it!

Myth: Time with family is a strain, and all fun is had alone or with friends. The past couple weeks, we’ve had to make quick day-trips to Vancouver on the ferry, and we had a fantastic time! Maya was happy in the Boba babycarrier, or playing in the kids’ room on the ferry. After one particularly long, tiring day of travel, Simon and I were looking at the pictures from the past 12 hours, and he said “It was a great day!” And it was. Not only because we laughed, and had fun, and did something new, but because a great day is one we spend as a family.

Since Maya arrived, I’ve been happier than ever before. I didn’t expect it to happen so immediately after her birth, but it really was instant. I’m more appreciative of the little things in my life (like a good night’s sleep), and I love seeing the world from a toddler’s point of view. The other day she got so excited to see smoke billowing from our chimney, and we stood for a moment so she could watch. When I see things that interest her so much, I find myself fascinated as well. So many things in our daily life are amazing, but we’re too busy to stop and look.

So guess what, Honda, I’m not dissatisfied with my life now that my child is here. And neither is my husband. If we want to build a fighting robot, or drive through the desert, we will, as a family. We get a new start each day, and I love watching it through my daughter’s eyes!

Parenting Society

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Dec 16

Equally Shared Parenting

by Lin

Recently I watched a documentary called ‘The Evolution of Dad‘, which I highly recommend. The film follows a number of families that have more involved fathers than we’ve typically seen. There are stay-at-home dads who have been shunned from Mommy & Me groups, dads who sued their companies to get time for parental leave, and (what I found most intriguing) families doing Equally Shared Parenting. They had also written a book on the subject, and I found a copy at the library.

In Equally Shared Parenting (ESP), parents take equal shares of four domains: child-raising, bread-winning, household work, and free time. Want to see how the balance works in your family? There are worksheets you can print out on their website.

Simon and I have always aimed to divide up our work and family life as equally as possible. As I’ve mentioned before, he can do everything I do with Maya (except for breastfeed her!). Maya is happy with either of us and doesn’t seem to prefer one of us over the other. But we weren’t at the ESP level, either. Simon does most of the work, even though he works from home. I pick up a few jobs here and there, but the money-earning responsibilities are largely his. And in turn, I organize most of the household stuff. I know stuff like when Maya’s doctor appointment is, if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, and what’s on the menu for dinner. This worked for us… for a while. But recently we’ve both been feeling worn out, disconnected and frustrated. It’s hard to be the one solely responsible for something, and it’s frustrating if your partner doesn’t understand what you do all day.

The changes we’ve made aren’t major. I’m going to take over some of Simon’s invoicing for his business, something he doesn’t like doing, but I am quite good at. He’s going to make dinner more often, and know what household stuff is going on. We stopped organizing chores based on who has always done them (for example: Simon – Taking out the trash, Me – Planning meals). And we are each going to make an effort to learn complex things that the other usually does (such as paying bills).

After a couple weeks of these changes, we already feel more relaxed. Simon no longer has to carry the weight of doing all the work, and still helping out with Maya. I don’t get burned out entertaining a toddler all day and my only break is a trip to the grocery store. Things are getting smoother, we both know what’s going on, and all of us are so much happier. We feel connected like we haven’t felt in years! Both of us are getting more free time (together and apart), and our house is clean. We are laughing more, Maya is sleeping better, everything is easier. I miss them when I go out and I love coming home again!

I think a major stumbling block of getting your partner more involved is giving up control. The dishwasher isn’t going to be loaded the exact way you like it… but who cares if the dishes are clean? And if you usually make a fancy meal, and your partner just boils macaroni… does it really matter? Believe me, that macaroni tastes pretty darn good if you didn’t have to make it! That said, if something is really important to you, make sure your partner knows.

Communication is key for this to work. We’ve struggled with communication over the years, as I’m sure many couples do. But for Equally Shared Parenting to work, you have to TALK. And you have to talk in a way that your partner can hear you and not feel attacked. It takes practice, and it isn’t easy. I really suggest reading books by John & Julie Gottman, or seeking couples therapy if this is a challenge for you. There is no shame in asking for help.

I will write more about ESP as we get more experience with it. But we are hooked! Let me know if you have questions and I will try to answer them.

How do you find balance in your relationship?

**Special thanks to Kat & Dan at Stone Photo for taking these amazing photos when Maya was 6 months old!**

Book Review Parenting Society

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Nov 29

5 Great Charities to Support This Season

by Lin

Please remember charities when you open your wallet this holiday season! This is a list of my favourite charities, in alphabetical order. With all of these charities, your dollar goes a long way and really helps those in need. And keep in mind that donations make excellent gifts for those ‘hard to buy for’ friends and family members!

1. The Cancer Society - For many, many families, cancer is a major part of their lives. The Cancer Society does outstanding work. Donations help fund research, provide resources & counselling, improve quality of life for patients and families, and create information on cancer prevention. Your money can also fund special programs! I was lucky enough to volunteer at The BC Cancer Society‘s Camp Goodtimes last summer. This summer camp is for children with cancer and their siblings. The camp is run by the most amazing group of people I have ever met. For one week, the kids get to be regular kids. They swim in the lake, eat s’mores, sleep in bunks and make new friends. It builds confidence and gives them an opportunity like nothing else. Check out the video below to get a taste of what camp is like. And take a look near you to see if you can donate to or volunteer at a similar camp. It will change your life! (Canadian Cancer Society) (American Cancer Society)

 

2. Children International - I highly recommend Children International as an excellent alternative to religious-based child sponsorship programs. As a secular group, Children International supports children from families of all religions and creeds and does not require church attendance in order to receive aid. You can sponsor a children from a number of different countries around the world, and you even have the option of travelling to meet your sponsor child! There is also the opportunity to fund special projects from bug nets to immunizations to putting a new roof on your sponsor family’s home. I enjoy dealing with the organization as they are not pushy or greedy, and they keep you updated on your child’s progress through letters and photos. If you want to make a one-time donation, those also go very far to help under-privileged children and families.

3. The Food Bank – I’m not ashamed to share that we used the Food Bank when I was a child. I used to love it… all those shelves full of food! It’s only as an adult, and a mother, that I realize how hard it must have been for my parents. Have you ever worried that you might not be able to feed your children, or yourself? Have you had to choose between groceries or paying rent? What an amazing public service the food bank offers: full bellies & peace of mind. I am so proud of my mom who fought very hard to get us back above the poverty line, to a place where we can donate to the food bank that once fed us. Even if you’ve never relied on this service, know that it makes a huge difference for families. You can donate monetarily or by bringing new, unopened food items to your local food bank.(Canadian Food Bank) (American Food Bank)

4. Kiva – Have you heard about Kiva? It is a great idea that has spread like wildfire and is making a huge difference for small business owners in developing countries. For a $25 donation, you can make a ‘microloan’ to the business owner of your choice. Then a number of other lenders can fund that same small business until they meet their requested loan amount. The loans may be used to buy inventory, fix up a store, or improve their equipment. When the business owner receives their loan, they can make the necessary improvements to their business, and increase their revenue. Then they pay the loan back as per the lending terms. You receive back all of your $25! The best thing to do then is to reloan the money and help another small business get on its feet. In this simple way, Kiva makes a HUGE difference for people around the world by making them self-sufficient. Go make a loan today!

5. The Red Cross - Most people don’t think about the Red Cross until a disaster strikes, but it should be on your regular donation list. Not only does the Red Cross help communities struck by disasters, they help refugees, reunite families separated by disasters, and give ongoing support to those who need it most. Currently they are seeking help for the drought in Africa. Everyone wants to help when there is a tsunami or earthquake, but please remember those who need help TODAY. The Red Cross does a wonderful job of managing money to get resources and humanitarian workers directly to those in need. (Canadian Red Cross) (American Red Cross)

Do you donate year-round? What are your favourite charities?

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